Like this:

The Pistachios are very anxious about the chances of Cadel tonight.

This may come as some surprise to many of the Oncles who would be saying: “Don’t worry, we know what you’re going through, even Joop Zoetmelk won the Tour in the end!”.

However, though attention has been drawn this Tour, to the parallels (or not) between cycling and sports involving bat and ball, it is unlikely that the Oncles would have considered any commonality with another ball and stick pursuit – that of the game of golf.

But for the Pistachios, the similarities are eerily familiar… having been haunted for decades by another Pistachio trying to wave the Aussie flag and achieve sporting immortality on the world stage, the Great White Shark: Greg Norman.

Time after time he would lead into the closing holes of a major tournament; and year after year we would all rise at some ungodly hour to watch his inevitable triumph… only to witness a carefully camouflaged monkey emerge on his back at the 11^th green and place a banana skin underneath his putter. That same species that we have witnessed deflating Cadel Evans’ tyres on previous alpine stages of the Tour.

Don’t take my word for it though, here is what the famous British Naturalist David Attenborough has to say on the matter:

“One of the most fascinating and unique primates on this planet is the migratory species Homo-Pistachius-Gargantuas. Native to the Pistachio Isle Australia, this rare and fearsome creature has claimed many an unsuspecting sporting champion with its devious predatory instincts.”

“Normally found in the wooded areas, or exposed sandy outcrops, at the side of long manicured naturally contoured lawns, or hidden in rocky crags at the side of alpine roads, the carnivorous Gargantuas possesses an extraordinary survival strategy and the ability to pursue its victims to all corners of the Earth.”

“A fussy eater, preying only upon the antipodean male Homo Erectus, Gargantuas is rarely seen stalking its prey, preferring to remain hidden; emitting a sound resembling applause until the testosterone levels of its unsuspecting victim reach incredible levels. Having lulled its victim into a false sense of security, the nearly invisible primate then leaps onto its victims back, sucking it dry all of testosterone (causing it to shrivel) and then unleashing a devastating nerve attack rendering the victim completely incapable of further physical performance.”

“Its appetite not yet satisfied, Gargantuas then descends upon the stunned fans of its original victim subduing all of them with a secondary feeding attack known as Erectus Crumbilis.”

“And in an even more horrifying twist, the Gargantuas doesn’t then move on to another victim. Instead it has demonstrated a sinister ability to farm its victims – going into hibernation… until years later, when the casualty’s
testosterone levels finally return, the Gargantuas readies itself for another terrifying strike.”

[Attenborough Crouches Down...]

“And here we are on the slopes of the Col du Galibier. Over to the side here at 2000m in altitude is (we suspect) a preferred feeding location for the Homo Pistachius Gargantuas. We will never actually see this creature until it
is too late and there is no known defence against it – not even a bag of peanuts. The victim’s only hope is that Gargantuas has not yet arisen from its hibernation.”

“Several reports have been documented in recent decades and in each case, scientists have attempted to classify the sub-species:

Homo-Pistachius-Gargantuas-Mizeus

Homo-Pistachius-Gargantuas-Twayus

Homo-Pistachius-Gargantuas-Faldus

Homo-Pistachius-Gargantuas-Espagnolus

With sightings of this creature so rare, scientists have only now realised that all these apparent substrains of this primate, are in fact one and the same creature….”

 

“Homo – Pistachius – Gargantuas – Farkus”